If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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