I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Randomize
