you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
