Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
