Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
