had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
