I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
And then my night got REAL pukey
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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