You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
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i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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