You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
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You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
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I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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