i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
