i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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