What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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