just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
