"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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