If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
