i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Randomize
