We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
