I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize