My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
