i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
