I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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