is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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