You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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