Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
two words...techno handjob
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
