It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
