I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I deserve this hangover.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
