I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
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