I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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