organizing the empties. That sober.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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