you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
