Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
