well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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