I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
