He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
