Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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