I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
