So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
