I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
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No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
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Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
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