he puts the penis in happiness.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
