look no pants
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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