I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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