just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
