Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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