All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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