The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
