I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
