I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
