In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
