the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
