I love black thongs
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
