batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Randomize
