Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
