After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
