i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
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