New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
