I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
